Wanting to change me.

There are so many things that I want to change about myself. I feel that sometimes if I really were to change these things, I might actually get a date. Or maybe one guy in the ward might talk to me without me talking to them first. Maybe I would find a man who would fall in love with me and I wouldn't be Single Mormon Girl anymore. I've never thought that I've been physically unattractive, but I suppose I can work harder.

I think I'm more worried about my physical appearance than anything else. I want to lose weight, I want my acne to clear up (seriously...at my age I should not be having break outs). I want to fit a size 10 jeans....I want my hair to be longer, blonder, or whatever. I could go on. I wish that I didn't stumble over my words, that I could say what I feel. I wish that my body worked properly and that I didn't have to take life a little slower because of injuries.

So many things to fix. But would fixing them really bring me more attention from guys? And if it did? Would I want that attention? If it didn't? What would I do next?

I believe that it is important to continually improve ourselves in every aspect of life. I know that I spend more time worrying about my looks than I do reading my scriptures. I spend more time on my makeup than I do on my prayers. Ouch. That hurts to admit that. It's not that I don't want to....I just forget. But I never forget to put makeup on. Ever. If I ever walked out of the house with makeup on it was probably when I didn't wear makeup. Or during finals week. I need to remember not to leave the house without praying. I pray in my heart all day, but I should take that sacred time to talk with Him.

Along with making ourselves spiritually attractive, I know that we need to be willing to accept ourselves....which means accepting the acne, accepting the size 16 jeans in our closet, accepting our weaknesses in everything. God loves each one of us, despite the things we hate about ourselves. As long as we are moving steadily along the strait and narrow way, who cares how long our hair is? These things are trivial compared to the more important things in life....such as having a testimony of the Atonement of the Savior, knowing that Joseph Smith is a prophet called by God, and knowing that God loves us. These are more important.

Don't  judge yourself based on worldly criteria.

See yourself as God sees you.

While I'm waiting for those pounds to drop, I'm going to go study my scriptures and see what the Lord says about my worth. I'd rather hear it from Him than my weight-scale. And I believe that His view is more accurate, anyways.

Compassion (Part One): Judge Not

Verily, verily, I say unto you, Judge not, that ye be not judged.

For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged;
and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye,
but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Or how wilt thou say to thy brother:
Let me pull the mote out of thine eye—and behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
Thou hypocrite, first cast the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother’s eye. (3 Nephi 14:1-2)

I’ve failed again. I’ve failed to be more like the Savior, to follow Him more closely. I find that one of my roadblocks is judging people…because of their weaknesses. Somehow, I make myself better than them. I feel the reproach acutely now.

“And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye…Or how wilt thou say to thy brother: Let me pull the mote out of thine eye?”(3 Nephi 14:3&4).

I’ve spent the past two days in a refining fire. I judged a friend because of their weakness. And I really judged them. I don’t have that weakness, so therefore, I was better than them. I made myself sick thinking about how awful that weakness is, how hard to bear, how hard to overcome. I racked my brain for ways that I could help change that person, to fix their weakness.

I’m just grateful that the Lord loves me too much to let me think that I’m better than others.

The other night, as the clouds were heavy with rain, I went for a walk. There was so much chaos inside of me that I couldn’t work on homework. My insides felt twisted, something that was becoming a regular occurrence. So I walked out the door and let my feet take me where my mind could find peace. I didn’t mind the cold wind whipping through my hair, nor did I mind that most of my walk was up a steep hill. The battle was internal.

“Badly done, Emma. Badly done indeed.”

I heard Mr. Knightly in my head. You know things have gotten pretty bad when the Spirit quotes Jane Austen to you to get the point across.

“[B]ehold, a beam is in thine own eye…” (3 Nephi 14:3)

I wished for the rain to come, for it to pour around me and cleanse the feelings I was having. It never came, at least, not in the physical form of rain. God showed me my own beams. I walked home with the peace that I needed, and the knots that were in my stomach were gone.

I woke up in the morning only to have the twisted feeling return to my stomach.  I was sitting on the couch writing a paper and felt it coming on. I checked the time and realized that I had a few hours before school started….I could slip away to the Temple and hopefully that would rid me of the feeling. The minute I stepped in the doors I felt the warmth and peace of the Spirit. I can’t even explain how easily the feeling melted away. After spending an hour inside that holy place, I walked out of the door, mostly healed. And I had new goals, to start removing my own beams, my own weaknesses from my life.

(to be continued...)